Our expert parent counsellor, Ms AmitaDevnani, tells us about how parents condition their children to acknowledge anger outbursts and how to avoid them.
Aggression in kids can take many forms. One of the most common ones is anger outburst. Ms AmitaDevnani, who is an anxiety expert, Anger Management Expert and a Parenting Counsellor, talks to us on the root causes of anger and aggression in kids, how we can help them recognize it and, most importantly, how such outbursts can be avoided.
Question: Are some kids inherently more aggressive than others? Or is it always a product of the external environment?
Answer: Yes, there could be some kids who are inherently more aggressive than others. We can see it in twins studies as well.Their environment is the same and their birth order is also the same. But one child is more aggressive than the other. This shows that some kids have inherently genetic traits of being aggressive more than others.
Q:Is it better that a child has an outburst or if the child keeps it inside?
A: It is important to let go of anger and acknowledge its existence. But having an outburst never helps the child. It createsa more stressful situation for kid.
Q: What should a parent do when their child has an anger outburst?
A: If our child has an anger outburst then we, asparents, should acknowledge their feeling. At that time, soothe them and then explain to them that anger bursts will not help them to deal with situations. Rather teach the child that if he will stay calm he can communicate his anger more effectively. We should make the child learn to be more assertive than an aggressive child.
Q: Can you tell us some techniques that can be used instantly by parents for anger management?
A: Here are a few instant anger management techniquesthat can be used. When there is a situation where your child is feeling angry, try to make him take deep breaths so that he learns to acknowledge that he is indeed angry in that situation. Then with some mindfulness exercise, try to remove yourself or your child from the triggering situation. Another way is to get him absorbed in game activities when he will be diverted from the triggering situation and he will forget about the anger.
Q: What are some techniques that the parents can teach their children for anger management?
A: If yourchild is dealing with anger issues, then first educate him about Anger Management and make him understand that it is not the situation that created anger but our thought about that situation that actually created anger. Therefore, we have to watch our thoughts and work on them. Teach them to identify their trigger that gets them angrier.
Make them identify their bodily reactions when they are angry. This is because then they can recognize and identify in themselves when they are angry. Then teach them few mindfulness and relaxation techniques that they can use in the times of anger escalation.
Q: How true is it that children absorb and inculcate the personality of their parents? For example, they have temper outbursts because they see their parents do the same thing?
A: It is very true that kids learn from their parents. There are three techniques through which kids learn
1. Modelling:In which kids learn through observing theirparents; or in a social setting and family and how other people are behaving.
2. Kids learn through reward and punishment that parents,immediate family or school gives to them.
3. Children learn through instruction. These are instructions given by parents,teachers or other elderly family members. This methodology gives clear-cut instructions through which the kids learn.
Modelling is one of the most important medium of learning. So if parents themselves show aggressive behaviour and sudden outbursts in any situation, then the child will definitely learn this.
Q: How should parents manage tantrums of their children effectively?
A: A child throws a tantrum when he wants attention from his parents. Therefore, as parents we have to understand it properly that the child is demanding attention, which means that he is a little insecure. Here the first step should be to acknowledge their feelings. If it is anger or if they are crying, then you have tosoothe them.
And in a firm voice tell them why you can’tgive them whatever they are asking for if you think you should not give them but if you think it can be given after soothing them communicate with them properly why are you providing them this thing.
Q: Hitting your child… advisable or not?
A: No not at all! Hitting and yelling is never advised as it will make your child a rebel and stubborn. Maybe initially your child would listen to you out of fear. But ultimately it will damage your bonding with your childand he will stop listening to you completely.
Q: What are the forms of punishment that can be used effectively?
A: The effective techniques that parents should use to discipline their children are:
– Discuss consequences with them. Please remember that the choice of language is very important in this.
– Encouragement
– Positive reinforcement
– Loss of privileges
– Do not accept rudeness and disrespect
– Try to avoid confrontation with kids when you are angry